-       I need answers and that’s now, not later. Sa jag bestämt med armarna i kors och blicken fäst vid Katherine.

Jag behövde inte säga någonting för att Katherine skulle förstå att jag ville ha ett seriöst samtal. Det hade gått för lång tid sen vi hade just det. Hennes fingrar höll irriterat på att pilla med allting som hon kunde få kontakt med och hennes andetag var höga och okontrollerande. Jag vet inte varför jag irriterade mig så mycket, kanske var det för att jag ville irritera mig så jag kunde säga det jag ville säga och inte vara så snäll.

-       You’re gonna get answers, but first I need the questions. Svarade hon simpelt och kollade upp på mig med en del… rädsla?

-       I want to know everything. You’re story with the boys, you’re past.  

-       Well, you might wanna sit down because the story is long.

Hon pekade på stolen bredvid sig själv och motvilligt satte jag mig ner, armarna fortfarande i kors som en liten protest.

-       It all started when I moved here to London. I have been moving a couple of times with my mom and dad. I was born in Liverpool and lived there until I turned seven. On my birthday my parents told me we where moving in two weeks. They didn’t tell me sooner because they thought it would be easier for me to just leave. We moved to Ireland which obviously was a big step for me. We lived there only for half a year. After that we just moved around, we moved to Glasgow, Aberdeen, back to Irelands dublin, Castlebar, back to Englands Playmouth, Norwich, Sheffield, Bristol, Cardiff, back to Liverpool and Notthingham. My gran thought it wasn’t healthy for me so she convinced my parents to leave me over. My parents are living in Europé now. I think they’re in Finland or Germany. To be a fifteen year old girl who moved thirteen times is hard. You’re confused, for me it was mainly my feelings. I noticed my attraction to girls but I wanted to prove myself wrong. My first day at school were fine. I didn’t really belong at the time but I met one person that welcomed me with a big smile. This is where Louis comes in. He was such a dorky boy, that’s why I liked him. We were the ones who spent half an hour in the classroom before start, we were studying before and after classes. I wanted to love Louis but I couldn’t because I still had a weird attraction to girls. I had a girl friend - not a girlfriend - at the time aswell. I had big feelings for her but I didn’t want to admit it. This girl named Sarah were friends with Liam and Niall. That’s how I got to know them. Louis didn’t really like Liam and Niall. While I was with Sarah and them, Louis was with Harry, Emily, Perrie and Zayn. There was this time when me and Louis were alone at his family house, we were supposed to study but my mind was somewhere else. I did something really stupid actually. I kind of used Louis for a test. I wanted to see if I really was gay or not so I told Louis that I really liked him. This was when we were both seventeen buy the way, two years later. He said that his feelings towards me where big, that he never ever had loved anyone as much as he loved me. I think his mind has been changed since he met you but that’s not the point. We started making out and it all ended up in the bed. We both lost our virginitys that night, I tried to feel something but nothing… I stayed awake all night and the first thing I did that morning was to fly out of the bed and cover my body. He was very confused by my actions which I can totally understand. Then I did the worst thing. I just told him out loud that I didn’t like him at all. I told him that I loved him just the day before and the morning after we had sex I just dumped him. I was so mean, I told him about the test and that I knew I was a lesbian. The hurt in his eyes were incredible. He kicked me out after that, only in my underwear… I guess I deserved that actually. Anyway, I kept my distance from him. I tried to talk to Liam and Niall but apparently Louis told them everything and they thought I was a slut. Not long after that they started a group, Louis, Liam and Niall. Harry and Zayn followed and Emily and Perrie kind of just went with the flow. That’s when the bullying started. Louis changed completely. I thought that he was over reacting but I guess he has the right to. They started calling me gay-kate since I confessed that I was gay in front of Louis. Everytime they say it they say it just to bring back the memories. There never was a girlfriend. I’ve been single in my intire life. Sarah moved away right after the incident with Louis. I really don’t want to admit it but I was the one who made Louis the way he is. I’m the reason he didn’t believe in love, just slept with every girl he could find. That’s the real story Faith. The story is that I’m a fuck up. I’m more of a fuck up than Louis and the others. I understand if you don’t want to see me anymore or talk to me but can you promise me that you’ll tell Louis I’m sorry? Tell him that I told you everything, it’s time to leave me alone. I’m moving back to my parents in two months. We’re finally gonna visit Sweden, then my mom promised we’ll move to Australia and live there for a long long time. And… I’m excited, I feel like my life needs a fresh start, a new beginning. I hope you understand all the choices I’ve made through my life and that you'll remember me forever. 

Jag var helt mållös. Jag hade ingenting att säga. Tårar rann ner för mina kinder och skakiga andetag lämnade mina lungor. De blev snabbare och snabbare och bara några sekunder efter satt jag och hyperventilerade på golvet. Det hände ofta att jag fick panikattacker och rätt så stora också. Det kändes konstigt att på en panikattack om någon annans liv. Jag antar att det var för allt som Louis inte sagt. Alla lögner som de hållt för mig. Mest var det en panikattack om att ha en panikattack. Det kändes som att någon satt ett lock i min strupe som gjorde att jag fick svårt att andas och jag kunde lätt känna svettpärlorna på pannan. Min syn var suddig och det ända jag kunde se var Katherines blick, full med panik. Den försvann i… jag vet inte hur länge, det kändes som minuter men det var säkert bara några sekunder. Tillbaka kom hon med en av sjuksystrarna på skolan. Jag kunde se hur en stor folkmassa samlats för att kolla vad som hänt. Detta gjorde min panikattack bara värre. Jag orkade verkligen inte se alla ansikten, det var för många att ha i huvudet.

-       What the hell is going on here?! Skrek den ända rösten jag ville höra.

För att vara helt ärlig så hörde jag ingen förutom mina egna tankar innan han dök upp. Aldrig hade någon dragit mit ur en panikattack med att bara prata med mig. Mina ’’föräldrar’’ tog mig alltid till sjukhuset då de fick panik av att jag fick panik, knepigt.

Jag kunde känna värmen av Louis armar runt omkring mig och även värmen och ljudet av hans hjärta när mitt huvud lades på hans bröstkorg.

-       Don’t worry baby girl. Everything will be alright, just take deep breaths.